At one point in my relationship with Cheryl, she decided that she needed certain things from me. Among them were: 1) I join AA, 2) I get personal therapy from somewhere. At this point in my life, I was in the middle of a bankruptcy and was very much dependent on Cheryl. She offered me a place to live and cared for me in many ways. I had many challenges, amongst them, my relationship with Cheryl, although I didn’t understand why/what.

Since I was unemployed (I had quit my job once I found out the bankruptcy would be shorter if I made less money), I needed to find a therapist who was covered by OHIP. The ones I was using before that all charged for their services. I recalled one therapist, George Lewis, whom I had met before as I kept looking for someone new during a previous round of therapy. My first encounter with George left me perplexed and thinking “this guy is weird”.  He often spoke with his eyes closed. He gave me a rock (which I got to choose). He told me that I needed to work with men and that looking for healing through a woman would perpetuate my problems. This all sounded strange and off-putting to me. I elected to move on.

This time around, after Cheryl prompted me to see a therapist, and now without financial means, I decided to give George a try again. For some reason I didn’t find George off-putting any more. I was receptive to him. I decided to give it a try. By this time I had spent a month in AA in Whitby (it took that long to set up an appointment with George) and I had encountered a men’s group that had significant emotional impact on me. I was starting to allow my vulnerability to happen. So, when I finally got to meet George again, I was receptive to his ideas.

And so it was that we came to talk about men’s groups. George held his groups on Thursday’s, but that conflicted with a standing band rehearsal I had. He mentioned that there was another men’s group that ran on Tuesday’s by someone name Dermot. This is how I met Dermot and Fran.

Dermot and Fran offered one on one sessions, Monday mixed groups, and Tuesday men’s group. I started with the Tuesday men’s group. It took a while to feel comfortable and figure out what the protocol was, what the proper way to behave and interact in the group was. I learned that we would start by holding hands and breathing. We would then go around the circle: everyone would do their check-in, which was to give a short description of their state, how things had gone since last week’s meeting, maybe how the day had gone, and if they wanted time to hold focus in circle to talk about something they wanted to talk about.

I think this is where I was first introduced to the book “Letting Go” by Hawkins, and the daily readings from Hawkins. Letting Go had a profound impact on me. As I recall, I spent weeks attending men’s group and then the mixed group, which Dermot and Fran both hosted.

One day I came to men’s group and Fran was there, but it wasn’t Dermot working with her, it was some other guy. This was my introduction to Ross. I don’t remember if we were doing the paperwork back then or if it started with Ross. I do remember that first encounter felt alarming. I was triggered with Ross’s approach. He was forcefull with one member telling them that he should know by now that the way Ross worked was to give direction and that you were expected to report back. There was something about the encounter that, by the end of the evening, it felt was cultish, and I summoned the courage to express it. I think I also said that I could imagine that if this were someone’s first encounter, that it might put them off the whole experience. (I think this is the first time that I met Rene — the first time that Rene attended the men’s group.)

Fortunately, I did not let this first encounter turn me off, and I kept coming back. Every time, Ross would write on my sheet that I needed to lead with my heart and vulnerability. What did that mean? Lead with my heart? What was that? I was so used to the regular therapy model, which I had engaged in for years with different therapists and different experiences, but essentially all variations on the same thing. Here was something new. I don’t think I was ever really conscious that operating from a heart connection was a reasonable way to live or be, or even something desirable. I had come from working with someone who used the Transactional Analysis model, and I had also been strongly influenced by the book “A Rational Guide to Living”, from which I took away the message that emotions got in the way. In fact, I got better and better at disconnecting from my emotions (or so it seems) and really got into the idea that the ADULT ego state was completely emotionless, based solely on pure reason and rationality. I initially got benefit from this perception as I started to learn to function from my head and not from a place of reactivity. I had learned to mistrust or discount my emotions, and to reason through things. As my reactivity went down, I felt more and more in control.

What I didn’t realize was that there was a cost to disconnecting from emotion. But I was not even aware of it. So, here is Ross telling me (consistently) at the end of every session:  lead from your heart and vulnerability. At the beginning of every session we would each grab a session sheet and fill in what our intention was for the session. Throughout the session, we would track which “tools” we were using, and at the end do a summary. Then we would hand them in, and Ross would do a closure for each individual. And every time, Ross would write “lead from your heart and vulnerability”.

It took many weeks for me to remember Ross’s weekly prescription, but eventually, I wrote, at the beginning of the session, that my intention was to lead from my heart and vulnerability. But, what did that actually mean? What was the internal experience “leading from the heart and vulnerability”? I couldn’t even connect to any feelings, other than annoyance or anger or frustration or impatience, etc.  What did it mean to be vulnerable? I experienced something running around in my mind, some presence I identified with, something I called “me” or “I” and it was frantically trying to figure out what this Ross guy meant. Over the weeks he would keep saying “you’re not leading with your heart or vulnerability”. I’ve always been a good student. I was trying. I was failing. I felt stupid, that I was missing something. What the hell?

I remember getting combative at some point, wanting to argue with Ross. He said: “who is this guy that’s talking? He’s got his head so far up his ass…” Ouch. What the…? Then, one session, Ross confronted me…I think he wanted me to lie down…I don’t remember. But he told me that it was time to get rid of this “guy” that was talking like a lawyer. That this guy has served me a one point, but he was not helping anymore — he was holding me back. I said “I don’t know what you mean”. I felt that I was not allowed to be myself, at least, I was not allowed to present “myself” in this way. This “guy” was not welcome.  But, there on the wall was Wilbur’s quote:

“In a safe environment, surrounded by empathy, congruence, and acceptance, the individual can begin to tell the truth about his or her interior without fear of retribution. And thus the false self – at whatever level – tends to lose the reason for its existence. The lie – the resistance to truthfulness – is interpreted, and the concealed pain and terror and anguish disclose themselves, and the false self slowly burns in the fire of truthful awareness. The truthful interiors are shared in an inter-subjective circle of care and compassion, which releases them from the imprisonment in deception and allows them to join the ongoing growth of consciousness – the beauty of the actual self shines through, and the intrinsic joy of the new depth is its own reward.” Ken Wilbur: A Brief History of Everything

It was a paradox – I was trapped in a bind – reminiscent of a childhood trauma, a bind that occurred with my father, where I never felt safe to be myself. The internal pressure and turmoil kept growing. I adapted by staying still, quiet. But Ross would call me on that. My directive was enhanced: “lead with your heart and vulnerability. Speak your microscopic truth.” So I was not being allowed to hide, but my “normal” presentation was not welcome. WHAT THE….! And I still didn’t know what “leading with my heart” or having a “heart connection” actually felt like. What was the interior experience supposed to be. And so, I continued week after week. Occasionally I would succeed in bringing myself in and being accepted, acceptable. But “I” couldn’t tell why one presentation was allowed while another was not. I couldn’t tell the difference. It was distressing to think there might be something that I was not able to perceive, to attune to.

Then it came that an “intensive” was coming up. Would I be attending? What is it? We would all be meeting at the mill for a week. We would have two circles a day. I was strongly encouraged to attend. Apparently this would be circle on steroids — another level of experience. I agreed to go — with great trepidation.

The Mill

The Mill is 3 hours north of Toronto. That’s a long drive. The first time I came onto the property, I didn’t know what to make of it: wood sculptures, logs arranged into odd designs, an old cottage, an old stone mill, the “A frame”, a flowing river and the constant sound of a waterfall. How to describe this place? It is an organic hodgepodge of things strewn about. An old army truck, another truck loaded with wood but clearly abandoned eons ago, tires flat, grass, weeds, trees growing around it. A crane truck with a huge tree stump hanging off the back, as if someone had been called away while unloading it. And two huge tripods made of huge logs taller than any of the surrounding trees. This was truly a magical mystical place. In the middle of the property, nestled between stone sculptures underneath one of the huge tripods is a metal enclosure made from a cutup steel drum but much bigger. And there, is the “sacred fire” that is lit when the intensive starts, and is kept alight for its duration. Every morning Ross is up between 7 and 8 and builds a roaring fire from the coals that are still alive from the night before. When it rains, an impromptu metal cover is placed on top to protect the fire from the elements.

I drove up on the Friday evening. I was told to get there before 8, but it wasn’t possible (was I working??). I got a phone call from Howard (another new face) telling me I could drive up to the property, unload my car, and find a place to set up my tent. Finally, I arrived and it was after dark. Circle had started. I entered the building Howard told me about. I entered to see a cozy room with a rich colourful carpet and a circle of people sitting on …There were some people here whom I knew, others I didn’t. It was an odd feeling, a completely new experience. I found a place to sit and join the circle.

This was a co-ed circle and I found it quite different from the men’s circles. The pacing was different – a lot more chatter from the women. It was hard to find the space to bring myself in. I held back. The session format was similar to what I had experienced before, filling out the form, the same directive to “lead with my heart and vulnerability”. At one point Ross prompted me – I had been very quite. He said “speak you microscopic truth”. I said, “I’ll end up hogging airspace if I speak everything that’s coming up”. He welcomed me to try.

Howard was pissing me off with his mindless chatter. What is with this guy? He doesn’t seem to be able to follow where the conversation is going or focus on (what I think are) relevant events going on in circle. I managed to keep quite and not let on. Finally I mustered the courage to finally “speak my microscopic truth”.

“There is something I would like to bring in”. I could feel my heart starting to pound, my face getting flushed.

“How is your breath”, Howard asked. I was outraged.

“I don’t care about my breath right now”.

“Deep diaphragmatic breathing is tool #1”. It was Ross. I couldn’t believe he was supporting Howard. Ross explained that we thank the person who asks us to check and that we are all empowered to monitor each others breathing. Wow. I stopped dead in my tracks. I had a lot to learn. I couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say. I thanked Howard for checking, then closed my eyes and went inside myself to focus on my breathing. I was starting to learn the self-discipline needed to maintain my state.

 

Erasmus Hilland

IT Professional