In 2007, after two years of encouragement by a friend, I finally called Ross Laing, MD. I like what I saw happening in her, but wasn’t ready to try his methods until them. My GP psychotherapist of 21 years was clear something different was needed and we agreed I would try Ross.
At the time, I had been on anti-depressants since 1986 and on anti-psychotics since 1995 and currently took 3 daily psychotropic meds plus occassional anti-anxiety pills. I was also on a number of other medications. About the only good news was I had been sober since 1994 and working the Steps of AA, had an active spiritual life and had continued to try new things in my desire to get better.
My labels included Bi-polar mood disorder with a tendency towards depression, Disassociative Indentites Disorder [well over 250 full and partial personalities], Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, anxiety and several phobias which affected my day to day life. I was on CPP disability pension and private insurance disability pension – deemed by both to be permanently disabled.
In other words, I was a mess.
People who had known me since the 70s had “missed me” since the breakdown in 1995. Their kids [young adults] later admitted to being afraid of me. People who had only known me since 1995 admired me for doing the best I could to be well. All tolerated my erratic behavoir and supported my attempts to be the best I could be under the circumstances.
After one meeting with Ross, I attended my first intensive July 2007. I arrived on a Wednesday afternoon and planned to stay until Saturday afternoon [of the first week of a two week long intensive]. It was a challenge to stay that long. Yet, in the Saturday morning session, I was challenged by Ross to stay through the following week. I agreed to stay till the Friday afternoon. It was an interesting journey through those 9 days.
On the Tuesday following my return home, I went to my AA meeting. Later reports from those at the meeting included the following thoughts: “Wherever she’s been, it has done her good.” “Ann has found the ‘outside help’ she needs.” “Myles better watch out.”
[Myles was my husband, also an AA member. Men from my home group had point blank asked me if he hit me at home back in Fall 2003. The answer has always been no.]
At the August long intensive, which I attended for the duration, Ross asked me to consider quitting all meds. Drop the “medical” ones immediately and go back to my GP psyhotherapist to wean off the pyschotropic meds. I agreed. My doc of 21 years actually cheered when I reported this and we worked out a weaning and monitoring plan. By March 2008, I was totally drug free – and getting better lab test results than I had had for years! Turns out most of the “medical” drugs were treating side effects.
I read the books prescribed – the ones required for all and ones particularly suggested for me starting with Burn’s Feeling Good Handbook. I practiced the Tools and any specific exercises to the best of my ability. Myles did align with Ross’ instruction to stop entertaining the alters – last one appeared in January 2008. I particularly embraced the Arbinger books and Servant as Leader. I attended the intensives with few misses.
My friends noticed the differences and applauded my hard work towards positive change. Newer friends were amazed at who was revealed as I got out of the drug fog and started to change/improve. Old friends were overjoyed to “have their friend back.” From casual acquaintance to long term close friends and family, the positive feedback about the changes in me was tremendous and continuous … with the exception of my husband Myles. He clung to the idea that I was very sick, looked for “evidence” continuously that I was suffering because of the lack of medications. He decided I was being “brainwashed” by the women at the Mill as I started to resist his unacceptable behaviours towards me [as seen by the members of my AA home group as far back as 2003].
I continued to grow. I took action towards becoming employable again [and getting off disability]. The more active I became, the less Myles’ supported me and us – financially, emotionally, day to day. I decided it was time to leave the toxic environment. Found a part-time job then a second one and then a third … so from 100% disabled to working 3 jobs with an official workweek of 40.5 hours. Moved to a new town [where I worked in two of the jobs the third being an home office]. The smallest job ended and one of the part time jobs increased … I was now officially working 1.2 FT [one day = 0.2 FT (full time)] – 43 hours a week on two Trillium Foundation funded contracts. In both positions, I met and over delivered the deliverables plus creatively found time and resources to do more. Plus I did volunteer work in my local community and for the Mill community, attended intensives as much as possible and kept up a social life. I proved that the label “sick” no longer applied to me.
The journey working with Ross has not always been smooth. My stubborn creatures have resisted and rebelled at times. I have taken breaks away … and been told to stay away until I fulfil a requirement of readmittance. But the desire to be whole, to be who I really am, has kept me coming back.
While I continued and continue to use the Tools, apply the readings, take new directions, support Ross and others in “the work,” attend intensives/gatherings when possible, I have not considered myself in therapy for a long time. What I have been doing since 2007 is growing my attunement with my true self, aligning my “creatures,” behaviours, physical being with the spark of the Divine which is in me. I enjoy the continued evolution of the entity known as Ann Pickles. As the layers of hurt, now useless protective mechanisms, scripts, stories and shoulds fell/fall away, the person of today spends her time happy, spiritually connected, open-hearted, and expectant that each day is the best day of my life.
Ann Pickles
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